Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
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My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
What my back needs
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I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back