Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

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Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.


Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.


On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said ‘when are you due?’ This is why we are here…


if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts


COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.


Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.


Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering


I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food