Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
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I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today