Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
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[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
concern
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck