Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
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I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.