Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
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[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I hate my earbuds.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.