@FU_TangClan: Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
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@backporchlady: Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they're for here or to go.
@pixelatedboat: You (dumb, hasn't seen Fight Club): If I buy things I'll be happy Me (smart, has seen Fight Club): I'm going to punch someone in a basement
@: Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
@xLiserx: It's October: For everyone's safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.