TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
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I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I think I’m having a stroke
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
…u ok Nintendo?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.