Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
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NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted