Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
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“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.