Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
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“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.