I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it
Tom work hard.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
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if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
The problem with today’s children is that today’s grown-ups are idiots.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
This is best piece of Superman art I’ve seen in a long time, made by Brakken