ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Tom work hard.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
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modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
If spiders ever figure out how to become ghosts, we’re screwed.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks