Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

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I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it


if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts


My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours


5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.


[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one


Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.


At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music


This is best piece of Superman art I’ve seen in a long time, made by Brakken