@Tmoney68

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

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@CrockettForReal

I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it

@WhaJoTalkinBout

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

@beccafacexo

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

@copymama

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

@CAshmanActor

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

@mauleePillar

Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.

@Hellaphantitis

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

@RLRudge

This is best piece of Superman art I’ve seen in a long time, made by Brakken