@Tmoney68
@CrockettForReal
I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it
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@CrockettForReal
@WhaJoTalkinBout
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
@beccafacexo
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
@copymama
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
@bad_as_you_want
The problem with today’s children is that today’s grown-ups are idiots.
@RoUrBoat1218
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
@CAshmanActor
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
@mauleePillar
Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.
@Hellaphantitis
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
@RLRudge
This is best piece of Superman art I’ve seen in a long time, made by Brakken
