Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
This January has 47 Mondays
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”