Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

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Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit


dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why


No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator


I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.


Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?


wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years


*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
*the tattoo disappears*


[in a world where people’s eyes are just bananas]

detective: he could still be nearby, keep your eyes peeled


Girlfriend: Ok you hang up 🙂
Boyfriend: No You hang up first 🙂
Girlfriend: no you first
Boyfriend: No you first
NSA: both of you hang up