Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
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I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Dude: You got a light?
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
My 12yo son’s protip:
Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.
Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat
[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”