“Let’s get this show on the road.”
~ Guy who invented parades
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
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MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”