@OtherDanOBrien

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

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@TheToddWilliams

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

@Kryzazy

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

@offbeatoliv

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

@thenatewolf

Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.

@Fred_Delicious

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

@FredTaming

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

@ShesARealGenius

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”