@primawesome

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

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@soyourelikethat

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

@Phook75

Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college

@DistractedMomma

My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.

@EricaWhoToYou

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

@aissalanis

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

@girlontapas

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

@mrjohndarby

ANGEL: Welcome to heaven, you can’t swear here

ME: Who’s gonna fubbin’ stop me?

ANGEL:

ME: Holy sheet