Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
How much can this one swallow?
sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way
I would like a warm hound please
A flaming puppy
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first