@primawesome

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

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@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

@Ratchet7Don

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

@AddledPixie

Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.

@gobmentcheese

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

@johntoconnor

How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way

@tomipuff

I would like a warm hound please
“Excuse me?”
A flaming puppy
“…”
Fire canine
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch

@ArfMeasures

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

@jwoodham

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

@murrman5

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first