Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
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HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.