Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
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Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here