*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
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TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.