*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
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he’s sick of your bullshit today
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened