Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
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My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My inexpensive home security system…
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.