“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
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My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!