Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.

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-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets


Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.


Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.


Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me


[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]


him: *dying* avenge me


widow: ok who put him in the thor costume


my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes


With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us


A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year