GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
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What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
The devil.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.