Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
him: *dying* avenge me
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year