Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
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[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice