Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
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* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital