OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒