Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

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[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.


If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”


When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.


In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.


I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.


Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.


Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.


pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere