[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why