remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
You Might Also Like
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”