tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
You Might Also Like
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks