Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
The funk soul brother
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…