Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

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[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*


Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.


To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.


teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine


the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large


So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids


Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.


I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.


Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?



A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.