Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work