@Smooheed

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

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@bonehugsnirony

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

@EndhooS

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

@skedaddle74

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

@junejuly12

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

@cameronmattis

the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large

@JustinGuarini

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

@ellentee

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

@bumdog7

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

@Dani_Feld

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

@WilliamAder

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.