Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Do not levitate over flowers
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed