Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
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My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?