@longwall26

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

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@realfunghi

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

@HenpeckedHal

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

@Metalligretch

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

@yonewt

Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie

@djr_102

I’m an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I’m just majestic.

@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

@GrantTanaka

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

@Jandalize

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

@notviking

me: i’m looking to sell this gun, can you do $400

pawn shop owner: i can do $250

me: [cocking gun] how about now

pawn shop owner: well now that i see that it works yeah i could do $400