@longwall26

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

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@JohnHilsen

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

@iAmJuddy

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

@cm_rutvik

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Anyone who bought WiFi please google “Fatal Engine Error:38” & come to Cockpit ASAP. Thanks

@HatfieldAnne

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

@brennadine

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

@JaiWalker

*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
*panics*
OMG WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
thank GOD.

@TheBoydP

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

@shesananteater

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

@noxxhell

If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.