Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
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Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.