Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Art by Pastelkatto
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
me adding lol on a serious message
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
This did not end as expected.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.