If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
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I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.