@usermcuserface

Tonight we dine in hell!
(Dies in battle)
Hi, Take a seat in the booth with the 3 vegans. Your beets and kale will be out soon.

Oh shit…

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@Phlegmingway

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

@ThisOneSayz

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

@rolldiggity

Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.

@freypalm

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

@sweetandweak

Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.

@ThaJawn

*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?

@Garblemarble

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

@FactsOfSchool

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*