Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
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My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”