[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
So true for me
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…