Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
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Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫