Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate