Tons of guys wave at me when I drive my wife’s car.

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People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I’m using creamer because I love myself


Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves


I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up


I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it


[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000


Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.


[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!


5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.


PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook

CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?


CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?

PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-

CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad


God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods