Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
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Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I support this random dude and all his protests
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace