My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn