Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
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i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I feel attacked.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading