Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
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Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose