Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Incredible customer service.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.