@RodiBrown

Tony Hawk was cursed by a deity to be beloved by all but recognizable to none.

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@shopkins776

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

@River_Niles

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

@CheeseCasket

Pharmacist: Don’t take this while driving and make sure you eat-
*crushes pill and snorts off the counter*
“Ok”

@Bob_Janke

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

@Kalarlis

my bf is wonderful but he will never be as soft as my roommate’s dog who moved out of the house WHY GREG WHY CAN’T YOU BE AS SOFT AS THE DOG

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!