Tony Hawk was cursed by a deity to be beloved by all but recognizable to none.

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The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.


“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.


My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.


I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.


*writes kid’s name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*


[interview after losing a fight]
“What happened out there?”
*interviewer doesnt look*
Ugh didnt work on u either


Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.


If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.


Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school


Me: “…american cheese, toasted.”

Her: “What kind of cheese?”

Me: “American…”

Her: “Want it toasted?”

Me: “I’ll just make it myself.”