Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
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Tastes like chicken.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Meeeee too!
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900