Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
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[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
me irl
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”