Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
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[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.