@dreamthievin

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

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@ElleOhHell

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

@QwertyJones3

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

@internetluke

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

@Mormonger

My family has really been struggling financially lately.
Could someone please help us with our monthly budget?

Rent: $1,200
Car Payment: $381
School Loans: $393
Swear Jar: $5,347

@staceaustin

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

@KentWGraham

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

@SSDated

I told a boy I loved him once. We were 6. He punched my arm & stole my cake. Life lesson. Never lose sight of what’s important. #Cake.

@markleggett

My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.