Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
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Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.