Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles