@slimmy_shady

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

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@MagsWoodward

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

@human_not_bees

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

@Kyle_Lippert

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

@lexizinger

at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer

@BreachingBad

Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?

@SamuelHlowe

Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.

@HysteriaBarbie

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

@_steamy_mac

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.