*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
You Might Also Like
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Selfie
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Lol
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.