Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
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piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls