@iamMunga

Too many kids crying. I’m never having kids.I’m just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.

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@bourgeoisalien

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

@NoTheOtherJohn

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

@alexlumaga

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

@BaileysIrishTom

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

@sublyfe2015

My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter… So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.

@Lhlodder

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

@GoodBadThing

Today I broke my personal best record of most consecutive days alive.

@FinallyHeSleeps

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

@RoosterMustache

“Where’d my boomerang go?”

Under there

“Under where?”

Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”

*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*